Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
