I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
