I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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