Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
