dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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