You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
