I'm going to rape someone's good day.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
