The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
