i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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