we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
