Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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