it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
