just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
