Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
