You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
