when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
