yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
