wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
