oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize