just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Randomize
