I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The air taste purple.
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