My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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