after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
