I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
