I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize