go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
