I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
