i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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