Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
