I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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