Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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