i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize