Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
