Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
