I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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