too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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