ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
