you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
