so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
