Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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