Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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