Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
