Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I AM VODKA MAN
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
