i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
