Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
