I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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