I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
