Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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