I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
