hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
