I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
