Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
