I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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