guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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