thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want nice things and good sex
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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