and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
