Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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