I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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