I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
