Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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