Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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