i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
